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MIXED FAITH MARRIAGE: ‘We didn’t think we could make it work’

04 September 2008

Sharing the same questions: Ilsa and Muslim Alim at their second wedding ceremony in Heidelberg in July

ILSE and Muslim Alim live in Glasgow and had two wedding ceremonies: first, in a Nikkah at Muslim’s family home; second, at a registry office, followed by a Protestant church service in Isle’s home town of Heidelberg.

Ilse: “We met in 2001, but broke up in 2003. Muslim had kept our relationship secret from his family, as he did not think they’d react positively. We loved each other, but didn’t think we could make it work.

“Four years later, I phoned Muslim and we found feelings hadn’t changed between us. We got back together, and knew we were really committed; so then he told his family about us. Our relationship had never been secret from my family: they were accepting, but worried. Now they absolutely adore him.

“Muslim’s parents came round very quickly. We had an Islamic wedding last December, but I’ve had no pressure to convert. Before the wedding, the imam asked whether there was to be a conversion. Muslim said no, and it was accepted. This July, my Protestant minister gave us a lovely, personal church service. I’m glad we had this, otherwise we’d have missed some­thing, because in a Nikkah the couple don’t exchange vows.

“I still feel linked to my German church, but I want to start going to church here. It’s always better to go to church with someone, so you can discuss the sermon. Muslim has said he wouldn’t mind coming with me.

“When I first met Muslim, I went on a massive discovery tour of Islam. I visited mosques, and even went to Syria for three months to learn Arabic. It opened up a whole new world. Muslim is interested in Christian culture. We’re still exploring how to celebrate Christmas, and we’ve exchanged Christmas presents with his family.

“Children are a big topic. We need to be honest about our different views, but we share similar ethics about being good parents and being considerate to one another. We want our children to be good people first, rather than ‘Muslim’ or ‘Christian’. We won’t have them baptised, as that’s a formal act of belonging.

“There are things about our faiths that confuse us both. We talk about all sorts of issues: suffering, creation, what role Jesus played. I really appreciate having a partner who has the same questions as me.”

Muslim: “At the start of our relationship, I thought: ‘If I tell my Mum she’ll explode!’ I told Ilse that if I introduced her as a girlfriend there’d be no chance. It would be better to present her as a potential wife, but Ilse found that hard to understand.

“When I finally told my Mum about us, she said,: ‘You can’t do that.’ But I was very firm. They said: ‘What will happen with the children?’ I said they’d have the best of both worlds. I also said that, Islamically, you can marry People of the Book, Christians or Jews.

“Then they said that these days Christians do not live as they should. But my parents’ relationship is not great. It’s an arranged marriage, and there’s been no affection. I told my mother there was potential for love in our marriage. I knew my parents would love Ilse when they met her. She’s very homely, and some Muslim families are very conservative.

“I observe some practices of my faith: I don’t drink, or take drugs. Muslims can be quite selective about what they obey. I loved going to church when I was at school. I enjoyed the singing and the atmosphere. It’s ridiculous for Muslim parents to take their children out of school assemblies. Mohammed said: ‘Seek knowledge, even if you have to go to China.’

“I don’t want my children to feel left out of Easter and Christmas like I did. After Christ­mas, when everyone at school was asking what present you got, you had to make things up if you didn’t want to be left out. I’d want to give my children presents at Easter and Christ­mas.”

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